NEW USER ONBOARDING
Welcome! Complete this onboarding to unlock premium parenting features. Your progress is shown below. It is… accurate.
92% COMPLETE
PENDING REVIEW (ETA: 6–12 BUSINESS HEARINGS)
RISK LEVEL: ELEVATED
tone score
72/100
Lower means “more cooperative.”
calmness days
37/90
PDF required. Emotions optional (discouraged).
forms missing
9
We’ll notify you after the deadline.
session resets
2
Often caused by paperwork vibes.
Step 1: Confirm you are not “difficult”
Answer truthfully. Your answer will be interpreted creatively.
QUESTION: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED “WHY”?
Tip: “Why” is considered an advanced feature.
Step 2: Upload 90 days of calmness (PDF)
PDF required. Emotions will be compressed or rejected.
UPLOAD: CALMNESS_90_DAYS.PDF
Max size: 2MB. Max feelings: 0.
STATUS: PENDINGCalmness will be reviewed within 6–12 business hearings.
Step 3: Verify bedtime routine with receipts
Receipts accepted. Bed not included. Toys not included.
AWAITING RECEIPTSBonus points if your receipt contains fruit. Penalty points if it contains fruit.
Step 4: Neutral Face™ calibration
Look “concerned” but not “emotional.” This is science.
FACE MODE: NEUTRAL
Angry = unsafe. Sad = unstable. Calm = doesn’t care.
CALIBRATION READYSelect a face to be judged.