BESTSELLER
🛒
Standard Schedule (Basic)
Entry-level experience featuring “reasonable minimum.”
$0* /mo
*auto-renews
weeknights
cooperation
THE STORE
Shop packages, add-ons, bundles, and premium “features.” Hover the bubbles for the fine print.
ALL
PACKAGES
UPGRADES
SEASONAL
ELITE
HOT
🌙
Weeknight Add-On (Deluxe)
Unlock one (1) school-night bedtime. Batteries not included.
$1,799
includes
bed not included
home not included
toys not included
LIMITED
🎁
Holiday Bundle (Premium)
Includes select holidays. Availability subject to vibes.
$4,200
joy not included
mileage
no refunds
SEASONAL
☀️
Summer Expansion Pack
More summer days. Same fine print. Bigger sunscreen budget.
$6,999
consistency
snacks
car seat
BEST VALUE
🛏️
Overnight™ Pro Subscription
One (1) school-night bedtime every month. Bed not included.
$2,999 /mo
includes
bed not included
home not included
toys not included
UPSELL
📞
Actual Parenting™
Full feature set. Not currently in stock. Probably never will be.
CONTACT SALES
queue
delivery
temporary
*Limited time defined by vibes. Packages are fictional product satire and are not real purchases.